as I type
there's this orange box
top right corner
that says "Publish"
I easily write, screenshot, highlight
many hundreds of words
every single day
words, phrases, quotes
that resonate, thought-provoke
insights, questions, promptings
that I feel
but I am struggling
with posting insecurity
and honestly
I have been
for 4 months
I was prompted
prior to starting the sabbatical
that part of my "job"
while on leave
was going to be to blog the journey
seriously
I have PLENTY of content
so that I could publish
every single day
but would that be too much?
too much for who?
why am I publishing at all?
it's obviously not too much for me
because I have it all captured already
I read/scan every day
from many different sources
there are some I'd be disappointed
if they didn't post/publish every day
or imagine if that book hadn't been written
how much do they not publish/post?
do they ever hesitate like I do?
I'm sure glad they keep sharing/writing
what they are prompted with
so that's the inspiration for this post
I just started my sauna
which I usually give 60 minutes to warm up
perfect window to pour out
all I have already accumulated
just this morning
comments
I've turned the blog comment feature off
I disallow comments in Instagram
wish I could disallow on Facebook too
I hide the likes
I feel like reading/receiving is personal
and unique to each person
and could meet you differently
depending on your day and circumstance
I don't really need to know
[but maybe I would like to?]
I feel prompted to share
I'm learning to be obedient to my promptings
if it inspires, prompts, thought-provokes you
great
if not, cool
send me a personal note
not everybody else needs to see
really not a fan
of public commenting
if an author writes a book
and too few buy/read it
was it still worth it for the author?
for me the answer undoubtedly is YES
YES because
for the author
the process of writing,
discovering, defining, articulating
releases the wild birds to fly
without planning or knowing
when or where they will land
"Writing helps me, heals me, provides... a place for all the wild birds in my head and my heart to fly around outside of me instead of inside of me, because that's a hard way to live -- with wild birds circling around your insides."
from chapter 31
I Guess I Haven't Learned That Yet
by Shauna Niequist
but what if my topics are jumbled
or I can't think of a title
ugh
my underlying insecurities
acquired in the last several years
are still much more present
than I realized
publishing is my step in
being courageous, brave
rebuilding self-confidence
in visible situations
so I commit to continue showing up
through publishing
and in person (without anxiety meds)
[insert celebration
of 4+ months without anxiety meds]
to find where & why
my insecurities ARE
and to notice where they are NOT
sometimes in life
it's hard to identify the DO and the ARE
and it's easier to identify the NOT
let me explain
what do you want to do?
where do you want go for dinner?
if that's hard to answer
then ask the flip side?
what do you NOT want to do?
where do you NOT want to eat?
when I get the delightful opportunity
to coach, mentor, listen, inquire
into a life story
one of my favorite parts
is that initial connection
getting to know
WHY
your why & my why
that made it possible
for our paths to intersect
so I've gone to some of my go-to questions
that I like to ask others
and am asking them of myself
STORY
"Stories define us even more than our genes do... Every life is a story."
"Don't think you have to transform before you live a great story. Live a great story and the story itself will transform you."
"Once you know what it takes to live a better story, you don't have a choice. Not living a better story would be like deciding to die..."
“And once you live a good story, you get a taste for a kind of meaning in life, and you can't go back to being normal; you can't go back to meaningless scenes stitched together by the forgettable thread of wasted time.”
"If I have a hope, it's that God sat over the dark nothing and wrote you and me, specifically, into the story, and put us in with the sunset and the rainstorm as though to say, 'Enjoy your place in my story. The beauty of it means you matter, and you can create within it even as I have created you.'"
"You get a feeling when you look back on life that all God really wants from us is to live inside a body He made, and enjoy the story, and to bond with Him through the experience."
quotes by Donald Miller
A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: What I Learned While Editing My Life
what's the story
that brought you
to this place
on this day
at this time
that enabled
our life stories
to intersect?
StrengthsFinder pegs me as
a Maximizer
so therefore
my signature opening question
highlighted above
shoots adrenaline through me
as I wait for you to answer
as I eagerly wait
for the process to unfold
of knowing and being known
as you share what comes to mind
as I listen to your tone
and notice your non-verbals
as you unknowingly
and subconsciously filter out
and I wonder what you're not sharing
my follow-up question is then
what energizes you?
and what drains you?
personally and professionally
because I do not compartmentalize
those 2 things
hundreds of more words possible
but I'll save them
for another brave publishing moment
"What your friends will remember when you die is the loving things you did [shared, published] for them. They have no way of knowing your feelings or intentions." --Donald Miller
--tvz
2022-09/14 11:15 am
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