do hard things well

I had every intention
of showing up at work at 12:30p today
to present to the executive staff from 1p-2p
well-summarized important content
that culminated an energizing project from the last few months

After yesterday, I knew it was going to be hard
But I'm a resilient working warrior mom!
I'm the mom who's instilled relentless all-in persistent recovery in our oldest son
I'm the mom who's nurtured generous caring conviction in our middle son
I'm the mom who's been taught vulnerable humility and empathy by our youngest son
I'm the wife of a fully supportive quiet servant-hearted even-keeled husband

I was confident that with motrin and an extra dose of anxiety meds
I could show up and be TVZ Director of Total Rewards for 1 hour today
I needed to
Not for me, not for my brand, not for my career
But for my function, for my peers
For my passion about the content
And mostly for all the other working mom's who have to do hard things
Who have to sometimes contain all our feels
And do hard things well

But I didn't
I couldn't
12:55p sitting on the couch outside the board room
My forehead was visibly sweating
Not because I was nervous
This is a group I feel comfortable with and enjoy presenting to
And I knew the content well
But just 24 hours earlier my world had been rocked like an earthquake
And I just couldn't
I could not hold back the ugly cry when I saw the faces of people who genuinely care
Containing all the feels was suddenly not an option
The mascara was gone
The cry was audible
My emotions were still bleeding all over the place
My mom role could not transition to my Director of Total Rewards role

I thought the hard thing was showing up
But the hard thing was actually acknowledging, no I can't do this, even though I wanted to
I did both well
I dressed up, even put on mascara, and showed up plenty early to transition
I didn't compromise who I was or how I was really doing
This is me

If our paths have recently woven together in the past 2 years
There's some history to catch you up on
Who you know me as
Is not who I've always been
A series of life experiences from 2006-2008 and beyond
Have transformed me
Have inspired a dragonfly ministry
Have softened me
Have planted and generously grown vulnerability, humility, grace and empathy

Davis, almost age 11, has had an undetermined seizure disorder since he was 8 months old
We know it's not epilepsy
We know it's not a brain tumor
But we do know the trauma
Of watching your son and brother in a grand-mal seizure
Of his lips turning blue
Of him losing control of all bodily functions
Of his eyes rolling in the back of his head
Of watching him and watching the clock
To assess whether this is a "normal" "typical" seizure or an emergency
Of watching the brothers to see how they are coping through the incident

"These are just febrile seizures"
Until he had seizures without fever
"He will grow out of them by age 5"
Until he didn't
"Seizures in and of themselves are not life threatening"
It's what they might hit their head on when they collapse into a seizure that's dangerous
It's knowing that there is a remote possibility "that a seizure might not stop"

It's a reality that re-calibrated our norm for many years
It impacts daycare
And getting a babysitter to have a date-night
And my willingness to travel for work
And understandably so, contributes to my panic attacks and generalized anxiety
And symptoms/triggers similar to PTSD they say
That eventually I agree to medicate for "for this unpredictable season of life"
Which results in an unwanted 100# weight gain
But that's better alternative than anxiety (for now)

Up until yesterday, March 3, 2019
Davis had been seizure-free for
2.07 YEARS
that's 108 WEEKS
754 DAYS
longest ever in his life-time
a duration long enough that it truly was mostly out of mind
we were no longer carrying emergency meds with us
we no longer had a baby monitor in his room listening for his bed to shake
we felt confident leaving him home alone with his brother(s)
we traveled 5 hours away without him for an entire weekend

This was episode 46, seizure number 80
It was similar and yet so different
He's so much bigger than he was 2 years ago
So logistically moving him into a safe position was harder
Changing his clothes was harder
He remained more conscious than he ever has before
Which significantly escalated the trauma for me
As he screamed and cried as though terrified
but couldn't communicate with us

The blessing for him in the way the body responds to seizures
is the postictal phase
where he sleeps for 30 minutes - 2 hours after the seizure
and wakes with no memory and as though nothing ever happened
so 30 minutes later he brightly sits up and asks,
"why was I sleeping on the floor?"
"did I roll off the couch?"
"I'm hungry"
"can I take a bath?"
chatter chatter chatter

Meanwhile
my body aches
my heart hurts
my adrenaline rush has crashed
and my hope that this is the last ever count starts back at zero

So if you've been part of my dragonfly ministry
Today I'm in the phase of
"as it comes up out of the soupy mud, exposure to air causes the bug to begin breathing. The skin splits at a weak spot behind the head and releases a completely new creature - a dragonfly. It can't fly at first because the wings are wet and the body is weak after being a mud-grubbing bug. It is perched at the top of a thin leaf - going through a powerful transformation. At this time it is at its weakest point in life ever - it's no longer hiding in the mud, but it can't yet fly, it can no longer crawl, but threat of predators and weather surround..."
I couldn't today
Because although I hadn't realized it yet
At my core, it had nothing to do with the meeting,
I have renewed feelings of vulnerable, exposed and afraid

And I know I am not alone
Life in a pit is real for many of us
Often times not by our choosing
That is where my passion for looking for and listening to and sharing stories comes from
"Stories define us even more than our genes do... Every life is a story."
How did you get to where you are right now?
How does where you are compare to what you expected?
Is today better, worse or same than yesterday? Why?
What's your hope for tomorrow?

This seizure shakes me, but doesn't break my spirit of hope
But I do need adequate time to care for me
before I resume giving what is normally expected of me

It'll be a year in April since YES became my 1-word for 2018
YES to becoming part of a group launching and growing the Pella Youth Coalition (PYC)
For me, it's been about story - the real people living in the local real stories
related to risky choices teenagers in our community are making
Showing up, listening, learning, and showing up again
For multiple cups of coffee
For Facebook Messenger dialogues
For invitations to share "why" I have such a passion for the conduit PYC is becoming
To grow awareness and empathy in our community

My 1-word for 2019 is
VALIANT - "Vow to be valiant. Resolve to be radiant. Determine to be dynamic. Strive to be sincere. Aspire to be attuned." --William Arthur Ward
2018 was YES - to exclamation-mark living! --Beth Moore
2017 was STAND - up to anxiety, fear is a liar, no longer a slave to fear
prior to that was a decade of HOPE inspired by the dragonfly analogy

"This is me!"
"Watch out cause here I come!"
It's not about performance, it's about obedience.
Do hard things well,
-tvz