it's been a somber reality this week

i'm making a comeback
after 3 days of high fever, i was finally fever-free and back in the office Thursday
i haven't ran since Saturday - and nervous about the 5am treadmill alarm that awaits
i ache all over like i've been wrestling a bear for 3 straight days
but through all this i did manage to lose 2.5 pounds - fever burn good for something

been alot on my mind this week
and i've had alot of horizontal time to think

every year i know April 9 will come
for many many years it passed by - with me choosing no recognition
but i think that began to change when i became a wife
and changed some more when i became pregnant with our first child
and changed even more when i became a mom, and my husband became a dad
to 1, 2, and then 3 sons who i pray each have the opportunity to become a husband and a dad

but this April 9 is even more different than the previous 30
it feels alot more like April 9, 1980 did

the Iowa headlines this week read:
Iowa sheriff's deputy fatally shot
Deputy remembered for devotion to family, service
Iowa flags to fly half staff for slain deputy
Funeral is scheduled for...April 9

April 9
I don't think we have ever had an anniversary of my dad's death align with a week of headlines and funeral for a fallen Iowa officer

as my mom said today, "it's been a somber reality this week."

the Iowa Department of Public Safety shows my dad's badge and photo, followed by the details below:
Patrolman John Ernest Van Haaften was shot and killed Wednesday, April 9, 1980, while assigned to the Knoxville, Iowa, Police Department as an undercover narcotics officer. Patrolman Van Haaften was assisting other officers with a drug raid when he was shot in the chest with a .410 gauge shotgun.
Patrolman Van Haaften was 25 years old.

what i've learned through/about grief

God has lead well, and been faithful. My mom prayed so many times that all three of us kids would grow strong and brave, and not be hampered by the scars of our Dad’s death. That somehow God and mom as parents would be enough in our lives in those early years following our Dad’s death – and God answered that prayer. He granted the energy to mom, and others who supported and helped meet the immediate needs. In His time, God gifted mom with a husband and us kids with a second dad. And in the years following God continued to unfold ways in which He could heal my scars and hurts. I am so grateful for the hard work I have done to let go of the control I carried for 25+ years. None of us have control. And how very cool how God continues to use us to encourage others when we share our stories.

I am so grateful for the ways that God has taught us how to release grief and learn to live again – yet keep alive the stories and parts of my Daddy John that touched us and forever changed us – and weave those gracefully into our lives. I also so appreciate more each day the role that my Dad (Larry) has had in all that.

Nearly thirty-one years ago a terrible tragedy took place in our lives; a great man was killed needlessly and unexpectedly, and our lives were permanently altered. But I am thrilled to claim alongside my mom Sheryl, my dad Larry, my sister Jana and my brother Ben (as well as aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents and friends) the promise from the Bible that “what was meant for evil, God has turned to good” (Gen 50:20) in all of our lives. Daddy John is still missed and his memory and commitment to his family will always be cherished in our family for generations to come.

one of the inscriptions on the Federal Law Enforcement Officers Memorial in Washington, D.C.: “It is not how these officers died that made them heroes, it is how they lived.”