Davis 2nd opinion appt

Iowa City neurologist believes
Davis' diagnosis remains
within the febrile (fever / body temperature) category
and confident he will grow out of them
he recommended
we taper completely off keppra faster
try and go without any daily meds
see how he does - seizures and behavior
since keppra is well known
to cause aggression, in children especially
if the seizure pattern becomes too frequent/severe
then try tegretol seizure medication
and we always still have diastat
for any emergency situations with seizure >3 mins

so that's it?
keep doing what we are doing
wait and see

here's a tidbit about me
i am energized by pressure/crisis
drained by routine and same and repetition

right now
no breakthrough
no crisis

i'm angry with myself for how i'm feeling
self, this is ridiculous!!
why am i not satisfied with this
in fact, why am i not elated?
this is good news
why am i crying?

went back and looked at what i specifically
asked a friend to pray for yesterday:
open minds - got it
easy communication - got it
creative insights - wasn't necessary?
affirmation - got it

we are on the right path
gut-feel to decrease keppra months ago
was affirmed

i should be happy
this could be way worse
but i'm sad
because this could be so much better

quite certain
i'm grieving
how life altering
this has been
and is for us
and will continue to be

i'm not focusing on several positives:
pre-school is going great!
last Sunday church teacher reported his best week ever!

so what is wrong with me?
why is this bringing me to tears today?
i feel stuck in slow
nothing more we can DO

my seizure spreadsheet is great
it and several other handouts
made it easy to quickly bring Iowa City up to speed
but this is no longer a math algorithm to be solved
now it's just a report

i take pride in my ability to analyze data
and present it in a way that creates ah-ha insights

there are no insights
i think that's what i'm discouraged about

and there was alot
of emotion and expectation in me
building up to this 2nd opinion appointment
i gathered all the data i had since December 2008
essentially reliving much of the experience
and then at the clinic
filling out an information sheet
noting who Davis' brothers are
and answering the question about each
"any medical history?"
and about enough space to write maybe 4 words
i look at Lance and ask,
"how do i explain Avery's medical history in 4 words or less?"
and suddenly in an instant my head and heart
are transported back to that scary experience
overload
and i write
"abdominal abscess"
that SO doesn't do justice to the experience

that's it
it's been nearly 4 years
of back-to-back crisis
personally and/or professionally

right now
in this moment
there's no crisis, no pressure
personally or professionally
and i think i'm struggling with this place of predictable
alarm
treadmill
shower
breakfast
work
taxi
supper
evening
bedtime
sleep
repeat

that's where i am
today
weird, huh?

ps - in my other blog http://www.i-decide-well.blogspot.com/
i'll be reporting 0 weight loss this week

from several angles
feeling stuck
in the slow lane
-tvz