shaky, but not shaken

this isn't the post i had penciled in my head for today

i was going to tell you about the batman t-shirt i wore to work today and other such interesting random things

but at 8:47p i got this text from my husband:
D had a seizure 10 mins ago. Not too bad, he laid face down on the floor in front of the buffet. I was watching tv. Didnt even here him go down

FLOOD OF SCREAMING TEARS for me as i'm sitting in my van after high school youth group
NO!
NOT 3 DAYS BEFORE HIS 3RD BIRTHDAY!
NO!

we had gotten to the point that i could receive a text or phone call from my hubby not even wonder if it was about a D seizure

i can't explain to you how excited i have been thinking about the celebratory post that i was planning to publish this coming Saturday for his birthday

he hadn't had a seizure since September 15, 2010

i hadn't opened and updated that "seizure record" spreadsheet in 28 weeks!

i knew he had blown past his previous record of 18.2 weeks seizure-free (between July 17, 2009 and November 22, 2009). but i had intentionally chosen to stop counting the seizure-free weeks. confidence and optimism had blossomed and was growing. perhaps this could become the new normal? sure we are reminded 2x each day (every 12 hours) that he is still on a high dose of anti-seizure medication. but i was beginning to wonder if he was doing so well because of the medication, or could it be possible that he was growing out of this undefined seizure disorder? at what point could we consider testing that hypothesis?

well that question has been answered
and now, after seizure #44, that counter restarts again
and I AM SO SAD
and shaky
and emotionally exhausted
and the tears keep streaming down my cheeks, dripping off my chin

he is sleeping well
and i will too

shaky, but not shaken
tvz

Psalm 16:8
I keep my eyes always on the LORD. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

Psalm 55:22
Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.

Psalm 62:5-7
Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
my hope comes from him.
Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

Psalm 125:1
Those who trust in the LORD are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever.