the silver lining is...

this morning was beautiful outside
about 70 degrees
sunny
quiet cool breeze

June 1, the first day of summer vacation
(and as Carver reminded, 8 days earlier than summer vaca started last year)
all 3 boys were still sleeping when i left for work
wonderful

and my work calendar was blocked for productivity
short work-week
clean office
lots of loose ends to wrap-up or jump-ahead on today

lance called at 10a
i answered nonchalantly
as i continued plugging at a spreadsheet
i barely noticed his quiet tone and pause
"Davis is just coming out of a mild seizure..."

what?
what?!
it's only 10a!
is he sick?
nope
they had gone outside to enjoy the beautiful morning
playing frisbee
swinging
sliding
throwing frisbee
sunny day, cool temps, cool breeze
logically this should not spur a heat-induced seizure
this is NOT FAIR
it's not even hot outside
last year our guideline became not outside over 80
it's not 80!
i'm so ANGRY
all the while Lance is calm
he's talking
reassuring me it was a mild seizure
he didn't lose consciousness...
"i'm coming home" i tell him (for a meltdown)

on my 3-mile drive home my mind is racing
how is Lance going to manage the 3 boys this summer if Davis can't go out?
how will that impact Avery & Carver?
Davis gets so mad when his brothers are out and he is in
fresh air is good for Davis
we have waited all winter to get him out - before it gets hot
how am i going to tell my parents this?
Davis is staying with them this weekend and it's supposed to be 90
all of a sudden this feels seriously life-altering
my mind is racing
maybe i should flex my work hours
and most/all days work from home 12:30p-3:30p during Davis' nap
and that way Lance can still do fun outdoor things with A&C
this just doesn't make any sense
we just upped his medication levels 8 weeks ago
6 weeks ago he had a blood test that proved his levels were "fine"

all of that self-dialogue happened in 3 miles
and then i walked in the door
everybody is relaxed on the couches
watching "Papa's Favorite Show" (aka The Price Is Right)
and happy to see me
Davis is sucking his thumb as he says "hi momma"
i'm ready to melt into a puddle
but i begin verbally processing
Lance respectfully listens
as i think out loud
i'm so frustrated with the inability to understand these seizures

we must call the neurologist
but she'll just increase his meds
and his personality just normalized from the last meds increase
did he grow that much in 6 weeks?
maybe?
maybe.
but we don't know
or unless we do a blood draw
are you kidding me?
i'm going to call the neurologist and request a blood draw?
and choose to put Davis (and me) through that pain?
maybe we should just increase the meds
NO
we need the data
we need to understand if this seizure was related to low keppra levels
which is easy to fix
just increase the dose
but what if his keppra levels come back fine?
i am not a worrier
but i sure do watch for signs
we've been wondering if/when we should repeat the MRI
at the last appointment the neurologist said lets wait and see
see how long before the next seizure
well here we are
seizure
no illness
no extenuating conditions
he was on the early-end of his 12-hour dose
**MOM MELTDOWN**
as my husband and boys watched
my hurt was raw and real
and reverberating off the walls

pulled myself out of the puddle
called the neurologist office
and went back into the mode of controlling what i can
by scheduling a grooming appointment for the dog
and going back to work

but my head and my heart where in so many places
and the loose ends in my office were like neon signs
seriously?!

to speed up the next few hours
A&C went to the pool with my friend - thank you!
dropped my van off to be detailed
all 5 of us packed into the truck
for a trip to des moines for a blood draw
exciting stuff, huh?

the blood draw was horrible as usual

but the family time in the truck was wonderful
there's no dvd in the truck
all 3 boys are packed in the back seat side-by-side
lots of chatter and snacking
Avery & Carver made up 20 questions most of the way
my mobile phone battery died, so that distraction was gone for me
and i found myself listening
observing
and smiling
bananas
popsicles
nutter butter bites

elevator buttons
blue gloves
stickers

and on the way home
we were driving east
and with the west sun
Davis was making shadow creatures on the back of Lance's seat
:)
and there was burping
and discussions about regurgitating
and how much do limousines cost
and burping
and farting

and mid-week ice cream treats from jersey freeze on the way home
we usually only go once during a weekend
and we all sat in the truck
eating our treats
and Davis says, "I LIKE chocolate ice cream!"
Avery and Carver randomly start thinking of acronyms
and guessing/deciphering them
like a made-up game

and when this beautifully sunny day became partly/mostly cloudy for me
i was able to see
the silver lining is i'm reminded Lance is a ROCKstar husband and dad!
who nonchalantly took Davis back outside tonight
to jump on the trampoline
and play basketball
while i decompress through the words i type

next i'll re-engage
into picking back up those loose ends i haven't touched since 10a
and my inner night-owl will soar :)

so now we wait 48 hours for the keppra results
to cue the next steps
-tvz

and the lyrics of this song are so fitting still/again
WHILE I'M WAITING
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord